AquaPazza: The Final Four “new” bios

AquaPazza releases on November 22 for PlayStation 3, and it stars thirteen characters from various dating sims locked into combat for some reason. I’ve been seeking deeper insight into those “some reasons” and here’s what I have come up with:

AquaPazza

“Rina! Rina, get over here. We have a problem.” Rina rushed over to Chizuru, who obviously seemed perturbed. “Look here,” Rina continued, smacking her hand loudly against her own character bio. “What is an assits? Is this your thing? Like, an ass-tits?

Rina sighed and shook her head. “First of all, that’s a typo, and second of all, that joke got made in part three of these features.”

The wind taken out of her sails, Chizuru drooped her head. “Yeah… yeah. There sure are a lot of typos.”

A silence. Not a long one, or an awkward one. It was a shared silence between the two of them.

“Maybe something about your fingernails?” Rina suggested. But the damage was done. Chizuru would never reach her true potential. If she were to enter the AquaPazza, there would be only emptiness found at its core. Emptiness to match her purpose.

AquaPazza

 

Multi often wondered what was best in life, but little did she know fate had already dealt her its cruel hand. She had been given a curse worse than Artificial Intelligence, the knowledge that life can be suffering and pain: She knew a happiness without suffering and pain. She only knew joy and cheerfulness. Not knowing that things that once made you happy could then make you sad, or why you would feel sad after feeling happy. These were forever removed from her. She was an incomplete creature.

As she mopped the floor, singing a happy tune, she would never aspire to be better than her lot in life; to never grow beyond herself, to challenge herself. She was stuck.

Unless she won the AquaPazza. Unless she battled the entire field, knew hardship and dealt with it, and rose above to conquer. Then she could find out the meaning of pain and move beyond it. To better herself as a robot. As an organism.

May God have mercy on the souls of her opponents, and may God Bless The Ring.

AquaPazza

 

When last we left our intrepid hero Arawn, he had been arrested and held in custody by the police. This would not sit well with his wife Riannon, even though it was for these polygamic acts that Arawn was being held behind bars. This would only be a speed bump for Riannon, as she would rescue her beloved. And she would do it by killing everyone that stood in her way.

It was partially for this reason that the AquaPazza had to be won, and whether it was Arawn or Riannon, Arawn needed his freedom, not for his own sake, but that Riannon, this jealous mage, would flip out and kill people if it were not so.

The AquaPazza could grant the winner the social standing and gravitas to legalize polygamy. And come hell or high water, Riannon would see it legal. Or kill a bunch of people.

AquaPazza

Wait a minute. Wait a second here. I recognize this character. No seriously, I think they did parodies of her in Azumanga Daioh. Or Lucky Star. I don’t really remember, it was one of those. But if I knew one dating sim, it was ToHeart, and holy hell, this was the one character I knew, because of her hairstyle. She got those little pointies. Wow, this is like the entry point for this game, for me. She is like the Ryu of this game. Or she’s gonna be.

Maybe there will be like tons of Tamaki’s online. Someone will make a Tamaki flowchart Tumblr image or something. That would be cool. ¬†Oh man, I found my character to play as. This rules.

She’s totally going to win AquaPazza because I said so because I’m gonna play as her and I’m good at fighting games.

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